the wonders of the human brain.

It's after one in the morning and I'm still wide awake. Wondering. Wondering about anything and everything. About my future, about what it is that I'm meant to do in life, about what I'm supposed to be, about when the next chapter of my life will begin. Wondering if life should just be one continuous journey not meant to be broken down into chapters. Wondering if it's normal to even wonder as much as I do. I mean, honestly, why is it that my mind never shuts off? Isn't there a pause button somewhere in there? There has to be! 

The truth is, I've tried to quiet my brain. I've tried yoga. Many times! And when I'm there - in the moment - all I think about is how much I absolutely cannot stand it. My mind actually races uncontrollably about the thought of being in a downward dog position. It's painful! My body was not meant to maintain that position and so that's what my mind focuses on. Instead of finding peace and tranquility, my mind is freaking out! Before I know it, I'm wondering where the rest of the day will take me and how I'm going to strategically attack my never ending to-do list.  And then I start thinking about how hungry I am and what I'm going to indulge in after I'm done torturing myself.  It really is quite ridiculous. 

I've tried meditation - a proven, tested method for the ultimate sense of relaxation! Mega fail. Meditation has the completely opposite affect on me. 

Taking a hot shower? Going for a long run? Going to church? Drinking a glass of wine? Forget it. All supreme mega failures. I love all of these things (except for yoga, I really, truly do not like it, as much as I tried to convince myself that I would have this incredible innate passion for it). 

So, as I sit here and type, hoping that my eyes will start to tire so I can crawl into my bed and drift into a deep state of slumber, I realize that maybe it's okay for my mind to wonder. Maybe it's not meant to just shut off. Maybe that's what keeps people thriving. What keeps people curious...motivated...inspired. Maybe it's the driving force behind my seemingly never ending quest of self-discovery and passion for life. Who knows, maybe I'm completely wrong and there is a way for me to turn off that switch in my brain that keeps me up at night, but I'll let you wonder about that.

good night.