the perks of life without a prudent insurance policy.

"There's a reason we refer to "leaps of faith" - a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable, and I don't care how diligently scholars will try to sit you down with their stacks of books and prove to you that faith is indeed rational; it isn't. If faith were rational, it wouldn't be - by definition - faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy." -liz gilbert.

I will admit it, I may be mildly obsessed with Eat Pray Love, as this is the second time I am making a reference to a Liz Gilbert quote. There is just something so completely genuine and empowering about her words and how beautifully she writes that I often feel as though her words exist to feed my soul. A ludicrous perspective, but her writing truly speaks volumes to me. As does the above quote, which is precisely what the priest spoke about during the homily at mass this morning. Coincidence? I think not. You see, I tuck away a collection of quotes in my heart, so that when I'm going through a particularly sad or stressful time, I can be confident that the appropriate quote will surface and restore my sense of balance. Yesterday this quote flashed before my mind after a particularly frustrating conversation with a person I thought I knew better than I suppose I really did. Since my mind rarely shuts off, a fact that I've simply come to accept, I couldn't stop toying with this notion about faith with everyday life (not to be confused with faith and its relationship to religion). The more I thought about it the more I realized that I really needed a good ole fashion dose of church to really gather my thoughts and engage in some serious one on one prayer time with God (disclaimer - my writing is not meant to be construed in way, shape, or form as religious).  And then for whatever reason, as I fell asleep last night, snuggled under a heaping pile of blankets, with one leg peeking out, in typical Courtney fashion, I convinced myself that it would be in my best interest to wake up to my alarm clock this morning and get myself to church. Believe it or not, today's theme (I like to assign a theme to the homily - aka the speech -  the priest gives during mass) was about "taking a leap of faith."  I think my jaw dropped a little when the priest started talking. As I surveyed the ceiling, as I often do during church, my mind began to register what was happening. Was the priest really talking about taking chances...taking risks...putting all of your eggs in one basket...because you have the faith that that intangible reward will not only be satisfying, but so incredibly gratifying? Um hello, isn't this *exactly* what I was mulling over yesterday?  Quite honestly, I think Liz Gilbert and the Big Guy double teamed me, so I could really tap into this crazy idea of leaping blindly into the unknown.

So for the rest of the day, I've been contemplating what it actually means to "take a leap of faith" with no one other than me, myself, and I. When I look at my life, I realize that I would certainly not be where I am today if I didn't say screw it and blindly jump into that dark unknown feet first as I often as I have. This of course is not to say that I don't calculate the pro's and con's, the costs and benefits, etc. I am a CPA, which makes me somewhat analytical by default. But, despite weighing out the positives and negatives, I've always leaned toward what Robert Frost so poignantly coined the "road less travelled." Let's face it, I left behind family and friends to seek out a new life in California, only to have the faith to move back to the East coast for a relationship I wholeheartedly wished could have worked out (but was not meant to be, as I fully realize now); quit a promising career in the hopes that I could find a job that I truly loved (something that I'm still seeking); and walked away from a relationship that was seemingly perfect (remember, things are not always what they seem). When I lay it out like that, I think I'm quite the pro at taking leaps of faith.  So why then do I let tiny hurdles set me back and question life. Case in point: I had an entirely elementary conversation with a friend yesterday and walked away kind of shocked. I'm a pretty open person (the fact that I share my thoughts and feelings with the wonder that is the world wide web is evidence enough), but I walked away yesterday wondering if I am maybe too open? Perhaps it would behoove me to not let my guard down and let people into my life so easily. Maybe I should be more careful about taking risks and chances in life and play it safe. I mean isn't that what most people do? Take the road more travelled, hide behind their insecurities, flounder for excuses...just to play it safe? Do I really want to be on that road congested with people driving on autopilot for the sheer reassurance that I arrive to my final destination safely? Isn't life about the journey, not the destination? Wouldn't I rather go through life, relishing in all that it has to offer, testing the limits of fate and crossing the borders of uncharted territory? This isn't to say I should travel through life recklessly by any means, but to simply check faith by the door and not take chances is unimaginable. I know I may be ridiculous at times (okay, most of the time), but to think that I let one conversation throw my mindset off track to the point that I was questioning my ability to take a leap of faith is absolutely absurd.

I'm only 26, but I've already figured out that while I don't know all the answers to life (who am I kidding, I barely know any of the answers), I'd rather take that leap of faith and go full force into unknown, knowing that my journey is going to be one hell of a lot more exciting than those people who live to simply play it safe. So yes, maybe I'll get hurt and have more than my fair share of tears (I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, which results in me crying...a lot). Maybe it will take me 10 more years to figure out what is that I want to do, or several more relationships to find that one guy who will compliment my happiness in life. Maybe I'll end up moving six more times before I settle into some state of permanency. But, my God, I know that with a little bit of faith, those leaps really aren't so terrifying after all.