And so it begins.

I have been contemplating sharing my journey for over three years now and yet I can never find the strength or motivation to do it. So I put it off and tell myself I'll definitely start another day. But I don't. And then more time goes by and then I think maybe it's too late. Maybe someone else is sharing their story and mine won't be relevant. But I know that's not true. If there is one thing they (the doctors, the nurses, the social workers) never fail to remind you, it's this: every patient's journey is different. I can't even tell you how many times I've heard that line before. Or how many times I will hear it in the future (because I have a one way ticket thru life on this journey). I know it's true, but still I hesitate to sit down. Sitting down in front of my computer means I will need to relive the past three years. The pain, the sorrow, the anxiety, the tears, the sadness, the downright hell my family and I experienced. I'll also relive the joy, the gratitude, the milestones and everyday life, which definitely counts for something. Those moments give me hope. But, be forewarned, I am not sharing my innermost thoughts that will come to life thru the words on your screen to express how I survived cancer and now have a new lease on life. A fresh outlook. Nothing but gratitude. A mindset of don't sweat the small stuff. I remember calling a really good friend - an aunt like figure to me and a cancer survivor herself - and asked "so when does it happen? When do I stop letting stress consume me and start feeling renewed and refreshed. I'm a survivor, after all! Do I just wake up one day with nothing but gratitude? WHEN DOES THIS HAPPEN!?" 

Time is what helped her. With the passage of time, she began to see life from a new lens. Well, damnit, I want a new lens. But, remember! Everyone's journey is different! 

Realizing I may never find this lens or embrace a fresh new outlook on life, I still think it's important to share my story. It's ugly. Heartbreakingly ugly at times. It's warm, maybe not rainbows and butterflies warm, but comforting. It's real, it's raw and it's mine. Maybe no one will read it until I'm six feet under (I'm kidding. I want to be cremated). Maybe a couple of my close friends will read it because that's what close friends do. Maybe other leukemia survivors will read it and it will resonate with them. Maybe...just maybe...it will turn into a book and hundreds will read it. I really don't know. But, what I do know for sure is it's definitely a story to be shared. 

But first things first. 

I'm giving up social media. Not forever. Just for the rest of the year and then maybe more. I need to be present. If I am going to commit to this. To writing. To connecting with my innermost thoughts and feelings and weave them into the sometimes complex stories and sometimes light stories that they are I need to have a clear mind. And right now, I don't. I can't even sit at a red light without reaching for my phone to scroll thru facebook for three seconds. I need to be okay with reaching for a book when I can't sleep at night. Or committing to a book instead of a the newest series on Netflix. I used to love reading. Reading used to be my escape. Lately it's become a chore. I now understand why child development experts say play is work for a child. It's easy for them to sit down and watch TV. It requires imagination, the ability to be present, and dare I say, hard work to play. I need to be able to sit down and play trains with Cillian for an hour without wondering whose story I am missing on insta. I need to stop watching stories from people I don't even care about. 

So see you next year, Facebook and Instagram. It is my hope that these next few weeks - the notably most stressful and joyous few weeks of the year - will help me to clear my brain, become more present, sharpen my focus and allow me to start bringing my story to life.

Oh. and obviously I will be missing out on many great memes/gifs/reels, so feel free to text them to me. A good laugh should always be shared!